I'm  impatient. 

If you want to continue reading me, bookmark this page.

See you around.

I am disappointed that you no longer have anything to say to me. 

I will be gone, but as always, eventually I will be back.

until then...
*click*

[4.07pm]

In an effort to be positive, I will NOT dwell on the shit I don't need (i.e. explaining to my ex why we can't be friends), I will dwell on the good shit. A nice introduction to Positive Eve. (I've missed you, Eve)

• I have a wonderful caring attentive boyfriend


• I live in a decent house, on a beautiful (thanks to my mother's gardening) piece of land, on the lakefront, minutes from a quaint (albeit backwards) small town.


• I have a great job where I feel important and contribute to my community


• I have a brand new car that is as close to my "dream car" as I could feasibly get


• I have a pretty penny saved for future adventures


• I get to look forward to a great summer spent downtown both working and playing


• I have Scotland to look forward to in August-September


• There is the potential for even more romance and excitement in my future


• I have my health and use of all my body parts


• Kittens, rainbows, and domokun exist.

Okay, so maybe I'm pushing the goodness with the last one, but life is good. I need to avoid focusing on the few bad things in my life and appreciate the multitudes of goodness!

E.

Date:	2007-05-16 23:24
Subject:	OMFG OMFG OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

"Good night you. I can't wait to see you in person again. We have words to say that need to be said face to face. Good things... Xoxoxoxo.. Xoxoxoxoxo.."

Date:	2007-05-16 21:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	emotional

We have been very dirty these last 48 hours. And in between the dirtiness we got something clarified. I'm currently too whacked out to type it all out, due to the activities of the evening, but here's the conversation. But since Livejournal is being a nasty word that shall not be mentioned right now and telling me that my post is too large (?), I give you snippets of the greater conversation...

 
***

Like my little temper tantrum? It's been hard waiting for him to say "I want you to come", when we've danced around the words for so long. It's all semantics, "do you want to come"/"I want you to come", but it makes a big difference. That last line where it "clicks" that was my cue to drop it... But the boy is frustrating sometimes. He makes it all better when he said "We'll work it out ~together~". *swoon*

Though the night's chat was us talking heatedly about Shilo and he and I and what I need from him and what I need to understand about the situation from his perspective... it was all very good. Heated, yes, but we are two loud passionate people, everything comes out at top volume... But we communicated for real, both in text and voice.. it felt good...

Date:	2007-05-14 15:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Hrm.. Michael has been very attentive these last 24 hours. I'm enjoying it. Though he did text me one tidbit that ever time I read it, it just chafes me a little bit: "Wanna move to Shilo? Hahaha!" *grumble* I told him I didn't think I could laugh at that just yet. I mean, considering that's the closest he's come to actually inviting me, I can't laugh at that joke... yet. Once he says for real "come with me", then he can joke all he wants about Shilo, and I will laugh wholeheartedly. 
Otherwise, he has expanded his vocabulary, to include "sweetheart" and a few others that will go unmentioned. I've been feeling the love to the extent that actually I didn't eat his face for calling me "babe". *shudder* I really do hate that as a pet name... so... gross and condescending... it feels like ownership to me.

***

I saw a little thing on someones journal, and I think I will steal it.

Ask me to take a picture of something, anything, in my daily life and I will post it.

Could be interesting...

W.

Date:	2007-05-13 23:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thinky/feely

I love him.

Feeling very soft tonight. Nothing would beat curling up with him, fingers entwined, perhaps legs as well. I'd like to stroke his face, look into his eyes. Say those words without opening my mouth...

Very good weekend, considering how shite it started out. I'm tired of the local drama. I'm tired of negotiating or being tugged between friends (or rather, having to tug against one for time with another). I'm tired of being diplomatic and politicking in my personal life. I'm feeling that a little too much in my professional life, and I haven't had the time to reconcile my feelings about that yet...

The 80's party was a total success! My costume was fantastic, if I do say so myself. Though I always like playing the part of the 80's punk/goth slut, I decided to go with something a little... different, shall we say. More like Molly Ringwald this time. Black tights with sequined ballet flats, a long sparkly soft pink sweater with a bright pink belt. Teased/crimped hair, tacky bright coloured plastic jewelry. Blue eye shadow, lots of blush, shiny lips. And a multi coloured scarf tied in a bow around my hair to top it all off... 

And I still got hit on, a fair bit actually... a girl can always use a little ego boost.

There was lots of texting all through the night, I wanted Michael to know I was thinking of him. Backfired somewhat, in the end (note: do not text boyfriend about guys hitting on you when said boyfriend was ~really~ wanting to go to with you), but we got it straightened out. Texts have been good this evening, matching (and possibly influencing) my soft mood at the moment.

Saw Spiderman 3 tonight with mom. As a movie, I liked it. I don't want to talk about it though. 

I miss him. I Love him. The more we go through this thing, the more I want to. I just wish it could be a little easier, emotionally. These times have been trying.

W.

I've noticed I've become extremely polar about people. I'm clinging desperately to some, and have completely dropped others. It's those that I'm clinging to that my current feelings of frustration seem to be directed towards.
Let me tell you a story; I'd be interested to see other people's feelings on this:

Once upon a time there were four friends, three with a long and twisted history, and one to whom the heroine of the story was new, but loyal (so it seemed). A series of events caused a rift between the new, one old and the heroine. The other old friend wanted nothing to do with this rift and remained friendly with the heroine. The new and the heroine quickly patched up the rift, though things haven't been quite the same. The heroine apologized, several times for this real or imagined slight that caused the rift, to both the new and the old, but the old seemed to want nothing of it. Attempts were made to behave civilly, but it was obvious to the heroine that these attempts were strained, so the heroine stopped making an effort. 
Time went by, nothing really changed in the situation, but the heroine was feeling nostalgic for the days of yore. The heroine had an idea. A public message was left, a reminder of the good times and the expression that the olds' absence was felt. The old responded with hesitation, and the heroine attempted to reassure her. To the heroine's surprise, this attempt was met with a subtle hostility, the old anger surfaced.
The heroine, in her disbelief and frustration, dismissed the situation all together.
A week or so later, the old messages the heroine, sympathizing with the heroine's recent turmoil... 

Now to depart from the lovely story telling aspect... I, the heroine, think this whole thing is bullshit. I apologized enough times that I should be granted a reprieve from all future pains I inflict on these people. Why? Because I felt bad, not because I did anything ~wrong~. I was living my life the way I needed to live at the time. I removed myself from my social circle temporarily in order to get back to myself and regroup in order to get through what was to come, and they gang up on me. I apologized, repeatedly, I tried to make things right, but was met with resistance. I can only fight so long for something before I give up. 

I'm just tired of working so hard. Of being so fucking ~understanding~ all the time. Why can't someone be understanding for me? Why can't I get an equal amount of attention as space I give Michael? I texted my darling Cory the other night asking him when it gets easier. I mean, I know I choose the harder path. I know I didn't have to get myself in this situation, but Michael just seemed so rewarding. And don't ge me wrong, he ~is~, its just these long periods are difficult for needy psychotic me. 

I have a headache. I listened to some really great music today, got a bunch of work done, had a good time with Steph after work. Michael should be coming to this party with me tomorrow but his mother has him this weekend. I'm severely bitter about that, but I know it's not his choice. But he didn't call last night, and he didn't call tonight and I'm just pissy about the whole damned thing.

I just need to go to bed.

Date:	2007-05-10 09:10
Subject:	too early.
Security:	Public
Mood:	dirty

Even though it was already 1am before I got into bed, I read a little more of The Devil of Nanking. It's a pretty good book, though I've taken a really long time to read it. I have to clarify, though, because if anyone has read the book, and just read where I said Michael and I are like Jason and Grey, well, it turns out they might be disgusted in Michael now. Hah. In chapter 35, Jason and Grey's relationship take a huuuuuge shit when Grey reveals the nature of her secret. This is a secret that Jason has been coyly prying from her pretty much since they met. Its this teasing sexual coyness that reminds me of Michael. The shocking things that come from Jasons mouth; sometimes I'm completely blown away by the things Michael says to me. 

Anyway... I don't think I can continue without divulging too much information. I'm far from getting into detail, but I know how he likes to keep his private life private.
Mmm... delicious Michael.

W.

Date:	2007-05-09 23:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	devious

Oh you have got to be shitting me. CTV just aired an ad for a new Survivor-esque reality show... wait for it... Pirate Master. Seriously. Did I die in my despair the other night, and get reincarnated in a Whitney dream-world!? PIRATES! SERIOUSLY!
Not to mention, I had lunch with a clown today (ha!), and she arranged for a PIRATE to come to the May Sidewalk Sale to entertain kiddies! 

YAY PIRATES!!

Tonight's conversation with Michael was troubling. I have said it before, and I will no doubt say it a million times in this life; it is so hard to care about someone who is in a situation you can do nothing to improve, or even really impact. I can only hope that my words of support and encouragement break through the gloom that sometimes settles over him. Today was a good day, but he's missing his freedom. I can't imagine what it feels like knowing that there's a good chance you won't get to see your friends before leaving the province. 
He seemed content to listen to me ramble about my dreams for quite a long time. Though he was fixated on why I was so distressed in the dream I don't remember. I told him about my lunch with the clown, and he was amused by my association of the character Jason and his relationship with Grey in the book "The Devil of Nanking" to he and I. Though Jason is far more curious about Grey than Michael could be of me, due to my more revealing nature than Grey's damaged shyness, Jason is still incredibly sexy and sexual in a forceful somewhat deviant sort of way. Michael laughed saying he never thought he'd be described using the words "sexy" and "deviant" together. 
He really is though. It started with that kiss. I bit him and he grinned without breaking the connection. The way he looks at me. The way he bares his teeth. The stare down. The soft touch versus a smart smack. The growl (yes, he growls). How is he not sexy? And with the biting, growling and smacking, how is he not deviant? (I know Mary, you're probably all "pffft", but this is the PG 13 version, trust me).
He really has earned the pet name "Delicious", there is no better word for him, especially since Delicious is my favorite word, and especially since it rhymes with malicious and vicious. Mmmm... so sexy. 
He inspires such good feelings, Love, lust, passion, compassion, inspiration, optimism...

Hmm. it's late, and I'm sort of nostalgic and ranty. And lusty... can't forget that one... :)

W.

Date:	2007-05-08 12:18
Subject:	dull days, strange nights
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

Last night I had two of the strangest dreams. Oddly both of them involved Michael.
The first, Michael and I were on a date, but the date was taking place at my house. The impression I got from our behavior as well as the general vibe of the dream was that I was younger (and I was under the impression that he was also younger, but still 10 years older than me), as in a teen again, maybe 16? We were on the living room floor, fooling around, but trying to be covert about it as teens do. I don't know if we got caught doing something, or if my parents (yes, both), were just pissy because the situation in general, but both of them stood at the doorway all scary and overbearing. I honestly forgot how scary my dad was when he was angry. Considering he was a teddy bear 90% of the time, when he got angry or felt strongly about something, you generally tried to get out of the way. I think they were upset because of the age difference between Michael and I (considering I was IN this position when I was 16 with Bill, it seemed waaaay too familiar in the dream). But Michael and I clung to each other for support, we seemed quite in love, and took the anger in stride. 
Now that I've been awake and am thinking about my father like that, I almost have to laugh... thank god I don't have to deal with his disapproval... unfortunately the reasons behind why suck, but man... 

The second dream I have no recollection of anymore. I was woken up, sobbing, by a text from Michael.  The feeling I was left with was devastation and despair, and all I know is that it was centered around him. 

Anyway.
Maybe some time I'll be writing about my juvenile jealous rage I've been feeling when having other people's fathers thrown in my face... *sigh*

W.

Date:	2007-05-07 16:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Oh man, this is hilarious.
Everyonce in a while I get paranoid about my 'net presence. Doing a little searching led me to my old Open Diary.

My old open diary where I wrote this gem (on March 12th 2005):

"Why do boys have to suck so much? I mean, is this what I am going to be greeted with in times of crisis for the rest of my life? So far it seems to be "your dad died? Okay, how about I don’t mention it and maybe it will go away" and now "ohh, you ditched your car? Too bad. Well, I'm going to go play paintball". Or how about "we need to talk about our relationship, so I'm going to shut down emotionally so nothing gets dealt with.
Oy. I'm angry, and bitter. I don't want my life to be like this. I don't want problems avoided, and I don't want MY problems ignored. He would like to believe, I'm sure, that he has no problems with me, just so he doesn't have to deal with it. Everything will be perfect in Dan's life until he explodes from holding it all in.
I hate being at this point. The thought of "I can't live the rest of my life like this", which leads to the thought "I can't spend the rest of my life with him.
If that's going to happen, this needs to change.."

Here is the lesson to be learned.

People don't change because you want them to. People change due to crisis, stress, change itself.
If you are not completely happy with the person you are with, chances are you never will be. Cut your losses and move on.

W.

Date:	2007-05-06 23:53
Subject:	Crisis averted
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

I arrived in Kingston just after 1pm, I believe. We got to the Peachtree, and I'm pretty sure they're starting to recognize us and our weird demands, because we got a 3rd floor end room, king size bed, for the regular military discount (about $80, which is phenomenal). There was also no hesitation this morning when we asked for a delayed check out. 
Of course first thing we did was christen the bed. This was the first time it was actually remotely warm in the room, which quickly turned to stifling hot. Suffice to say, showers were needed and my hair was ruined (and also, cause I was only there one day I chose NOT to bring my straightener *sigh*)
We went shopping briefly, grabbed snacks and ate dinner out. Michael is NOT a cheap date. But I guess, most meat eaters aren't. I've gotta get used to that. 

We spent the night together playing. Playing with Michael consists of many different elements. Music is key. CPI usually makes an appearance. Last night it was some BBC Sessions Led Zepplin. He pulled my drunk ass out of the chair, pulled me close, one leg between each of ours, and we danced. This is really the first time we've danced together. Michael has danced, holding me, while I giggle and awkwardly move to the music (a la "golddigger"), but never like this. We were connected, albeit at the groin, but what better way to dance? We swayed and moved together to this sexy beat, and it felt like perfection. 

We watched some UFC/K1/whatever fight clips, and I was devastated to see Crocop lose to someone, but then completely aroused to see a new list of Muay Thai fighters who are hotter and better (?) than Crocop!
We watched a video of a pathetic David Hasselhoff.. that man is in a bad way. He was totally wasted, laying on the floor eating a wendy's burger that he couldn't keep together while his daughter tried to make him promise to stop drinking. It was a train wreck, so sad to watch!

He played DJ, we made out for a bit, then he'd go back to his computer, I'd get annoyed and molest him at the desk, we danced, we laughed, and we literally talked for hours. I got some much needed answers, and he told me stories I've been waiting to hear. Though we didn't say the L word to each other, I think he's been using the term "fond of" as code for "love". I asked him if I was even part of his plans for Edmonton and he said yes, that I was for Shilo as well. We both have our concerns, I have a new car, he has debt, we don't know what life will be like in Manitoba, together or apart... there are many unknowns, but I feel infinitely more confident in facing all of it with him. I cried about him, about dad, we talked more, and I felt a complete shift in my comfort with Michael.
This is the real deal.

Sunday, Michael woke at 10, we puttered around, cuddled, played, shagged, and listened to some hilarious music before packing up to leave.
We got subs, drove to teh waterfront, Michael slopped all over himself, so we drove to the shacks so he could change. We went to the Kingston Penn Museum, which was small but craaaaazy! Lots of neat stuff all over that place, and in a stunning building. On our way back we saw kids flying kites, so we decided to grab some of our own, and fly them. We weren't successful at the waterfront, but we moved up to the Fort Henry hill, and managed to keep them up for some time.
We went back into town, bought those new butter caramel ice capps from Tims, and drank them downtown while we people watched (otherwise known as, Michael pointed out bums, and I yay or nayed them :D ) We talked about cheating, and I learned more about his boundaries. Dinner was at a cute Italian restaurant, nice and quiet and we talked some more. I left him at the shacks around 6, after lots of tight hugs, passionate kisses, and sweet words.
This boy, he blows my mind... *swoon*

W.

Date:	2007-05-04 23:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sheepish

Silence kills me. Silence with tiny bursts of rage, apparently drives me insane.

Michael called tonight, a total of FOUR times. On the third call he apologized for his silence, for shutting me out. He told me he didn't want to inflict his bad mood on me (or the punches, for that matter, haha), which was why he made the statement I was all teary about last night. 

That said, it's been a very hard last 2 days. Our communication may be... for lack of a better word, fucking BIZARRE, but we are getting better, I think. And Michael, silences aside, is very good. He's talked to a bunch of the QL5's who just came to Kingston last week and lots of them know Shilo. He's gotten a little reassurance about it, and though he's still not happy with the posting, he's... accepted it.

I may truck down there to see him tomorrow, otherwise, unfortunately Sel, I have a certain function that shall remain nameless for fear of a certain someone reading it. I'll be in Toronto next weekend for Andrea's 80's party, which according to Facebook she expects you to show up, Emeth in one hand and a beer in the other. Haha! I'd pay to see that!! But I'm hoping to have an hour or two (if not more) to see you. I might have Claire in tow, but I'm sure she wants to meet the new chicken, and oogle the half grown chicken :)

Still wondering if he's reading this... cause man, he has some serious restraint if he hasn't been. I wish I could track IP addresses on here... I want to know who's reading me!

W.

Date:	2007-05-04 21:35
Subject:	there is always hope
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

What do I do?

Date:	2007-05-03 22:28
Subject:	Kingston. Not Shilo.
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

"I don't want you to come."

Date:	2007-05-03 16:56
Subject:	To my friends: Thank you!
Security:	Public
Mood:	hurting but hopeful

Friends are fucking necessary.

Let it be known that although some of us have never met, those who I have "friended" are also counted among mine.

Any positive thoughts and well wishes, please extend to Michael... he needs it more than me right now.

More later.

W.

Date:	2007-05-02 23:23
Subject:	send your Love my way
Security:	Public
Mood:	devastated

So, Michael's been posted Shilo. Michael has had the last two weeks from Hell. Michael isn't exactly communicating with me right now. I think he's shut down.

Shilo is bad. Shilo is bad because Shilo is NOT Edmonton, where there is an employment boom, where there is civilization, where there is, most importantly of all, for me, the Love of my Life, Cory. Shilo is also bad because Michael has been posted to the RCHA, or the Royal Canadian Horse Artillery. This means (Capital Letters) Big Fucking Guns. Well, that's bad for me, not so much for Michael, who hearts his weapons. It's bad for Michael because he really wanted to get posted to the paratroopers in Edmonton, whatever they're called.
Shilo may be closer to Ontario, but consider the 20 odd hours it takes to drive up to Winnepeg. Shilo is beyond Winnepeg by a few hours. It's not like I can fucking drive there for a weekend (a concept I didn't even consider, obviously, for Edmonton).

I have literally been crying since I heard around 3. I stopped briefly to schmooze at the Festival of Banners sneak preview. I haven't eaten since then, either. I went and got my oil changed (fucking finally). I cried all the way home. I read the McLeans article about the wounded soldiers' battle at home, while I was waiting. I saw Michael in all of them. The balls, the pride, the sacrifice. This is why I Love him. One of the first scary things he said to me was that when he goes to war and gets his legs blown off, he's going to be a cripple, not handicapped, or as he likes to tease "handicapable", a "fucking cripple". Scary shit, no? Why does that not deter me?

In a word. Passion.

I sat with Steph tonight, bawling my stupid face off, and she just nodded her head and smiled. Funny reaction, you might think, but she knows me better than a lot of people, even after all the bullshit. She gets it. She said, "Wheat, I've known you for a long fucking time, I've seen you through a lot of shit, and I have never seen you like this. You need to tell him." Heh. I may or may not have just put swears in Stephs mouth, but I dont think a sentence has passed my lips with out one or two vicious f-bombs. Heart felt. Everything is raw. Everything is intense. Everything is painful. And every fucking second of it, I know is worth it. 

I have NEVER been so sure of something, or rather someone, in my life.

He could crush me with a word.

It's terrifying letting someone have this much power over you. 

My heart hurts.

W.

Date:	2007-05-02 14:46
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	No. Words.

Oh.
My.
God.

Michael's official posting came in. The announcement before was unofficial, apparently.

He's been posted to Shilo Manitoba.

Fuck me.

W.